heart thrown away

casual meetings random hearts
chances great and small
life is what you make it
i grabbed for the gold ring
ended up with brass knuckles
i've beaten myself senseless
blaming myself doubting myself
you can't fight feelings or a lack thereof
it's not my fault
i'm a wonderful beautiful person
i deserve to be happy and whole
i gave my heart to easily
unaware of what i offered or the cost
now i'm trapped my screams echoing
waiting for my day of independence
will it arrive shall i get away
today it's unimaginable later perhaps
after torrents of tears empty barren years
remember i love you and i'm sorry
sorry for clueless empty you and silly stupid me
sorry for the opportunities wasted and missed
i didn't want to regret chances not taken
now i regret taking chances
so i wait for what nothing or everything
stagnant stuck in this dead space
the land between heaven and hell tis the home where i dwell

lie of truth

waiting for the lies to become reality
how long before my heart is convinced
you'll be fine you don't need him
it's not love just desire for a pretty face
it was just a kiss didn't mean a thing
just hot sex not making love
no emotion just animal instinct
reapeat it as a mantra
convince myself of the lies
the truths too painful
 i love him with all my heart
he's my world the sun the moon the stars
there's nothing that will ever compare for me
he's the pinnacle of my hearts desire
another truth he does NOT love me
he's a user and you're all used up
when he finds a better ride he'll move on
i could die and not rate a passing thought
knowing all this why do i still want him desperately
it'll never happen but how do i stop caring
how can i damn the ocean stop the tide
can i stop the sunrise bring down the moon
the world goes on turning and so does he
here i stay on the isle of my despair

dinner disaster

it should've been pleasant
a brief respite from sorrow
lunch with the love who loves me not
silence and tension across a table
an unbreachable wall
nothing to say nothing at all
he's closed the door i'm out in the cold
excluded from his life out with the old
treated worse than a stranger
all i get is indifference or mayhaps anger
for love and friendship i've tried and sought
i guess he's for sale and must be bought
i've nothing left to give
i'm drained of all time and money too
everything gone poured through his sieve
took what he wanted tossed the rest
i suppose i've failed his test
so now it's all reduced to this
2 calzones 2 waters dead silence aint that bliss
sitting there as the chasm widens
i feel the gulf becoming unspannable
hanging over the edge looking into the void
me smiling reaching for him michael simply being annoyed

the end

i can't breathe
unable to inhale
ribs cracked or broken
crushed by your love
who knew love suffocates
all the oxygen gone
i'm dizzy unable to stand
head swimming
unsure of reality
airs thick is it fog or smoke
vision getting dim
not long now
the end is near
how long must i suffer
lungs burning throat closed
will my misery never end
too tired to go on and on
why is goodbye so long

LOVE to HATE

passion misery
hope despair
life death
opposite sides of one reality
a toss of the coin
fate decided on a whim
win or lose heads or tails
so different yet so close
like me and you addoration and loathing
different realities under one roof
you moving on me stuck here alone
useless fantasies and angry tears
how i love to hate you

drowned

swimming in a sea of loneliness
treading water no land in sight
so tired how can i go on
i've been adrift for months
no food no water nothing to sustain me
thrown about by storm and wave
never saw another soul 
no hope of rescue
the sea doesn't give up her dead
i've been marked for life claimed
she'll never let me escape
skin burned lips cracked
salt burns my eyes and mouth
sharks travel these waters
how long till i'm devoured
will i linger on slowly wasting away
how long till the waters cover me
        and claim my soul for good

darkness

blinded by love unable to see
darkness covers my world
groping trying to find my way
stumbling legs bruised and bloody
falling to my knees in despair
crawling over unfamilar ground
pain and fear reign supreme
there's no light anywhere
the moon and the stars disappeared
the sun imploded gone
the lord of the underworld triumphant
dwelling in darkness for all eternity

the monster

love isn't the blissful myth
love is an insatiable monster
devouring everyone in it's path
paralyzing it's victims
consuming them from the inside out
no one can fight it no knight wins
cities countries whole worlds lost
leaving empty soul-less victims the walking dead
there is no vaccine no immunity no cure
even the strongest succumb
i thought i'd escaped slipped by unnoticed
the creature found me after all these years
my innocence for the appetizer
heart and soul for the main course
now i exist as everyone does
a slave totally under it's control
a monster with no pity or empathy
enslaved for eternity by the monster love

facade

where did i go wrong
did love blind me to reality
seeing life through a haze
you shrouded in loves glow
beautiful blinding breathtaking
enraptured i looked upon you
unable to avert my gaze
horrified the facade dissolves
was it all an illusion a glamor
you've become transparent
there's nothing beyond your shadow
no love no happiness no depth
you exist in another realm
an ideal projected forth all i saw
is it to cover your insecurity self loathing
you won't become involved with someone
      capable of real emotion or evolution
someone to grow and prosper with
so i'll remain wallowing in despair
you'll exist shallow fickle unaware

overlapped

past lives past loves
can they converge with today
i knew you in my soul
at our first touch your kiss was homecoming
the missing piece of my life
with you i was whole
swimming in my memories of you
reality slipped me by
you felt only a brief desire
a fire that burned brightly then died
put out by the oceans of my love
drowned in the ebb and flow of my tide
two realities in different times and worlds
now i wonder lost in this endless desert
looking for you my oasis
the paradise i once had now lost
crawling through sand and storm
trying to get back to the past
was it all a mirage a trick of my mind
where are you shiek of the burning sand
the only one who can rescue me..................
from certain death in this dried up barren land

dreams over dead

what is this sickness
dreams over dead
i've moved on
reclaimed my life
one stupid phone call
your voice on the line
right back where i started
heart pounding
palms sweating
heart soaring
head in the clouds
how do i fight that
squash it kill it
betrayed by myself
sad pathetic but true
in love with a dream
a dream that won't come true

crucifixion of me

what a surprise i thought i was building a life
looking deep into your eyes as you drove the first nail in
hung upon a cross of my own design
blood dripping from my palms and feet
lieslike a spear shoved into my heart
you place a crown of thorns on my head
laughing and smiling all the while
your innocence and beauty a cover for guile
you;ve sacrificed me but why oh why
to save yourself am i an offering to your gods
does my blood bring your desire
my soul favor with your master
do i die in vain to stoke the fire of your vanity
killed by my own love dying of my insanity

doubt overwhelms

empty a void that's what i am
what can i possibly offer anyone
i have nothing i am nothing
im too old too fat too afraid
my life doesn't belong to me
i've no money no nerve
how can i live up to expectations
i've failed at every level
dreams turned to dust blown away
dead end jobs i can't afford to leave
bastardizing myself for nothing
tears have left craters on my face
like the grand canyon worn away by time
it's been far too long since iu felt any hope
does it exist anymore did it ever
life's been one long failed drama
i try to be good for what purpose
don't drink don't smoke no drugs for what reward
pain loneliness frustration self-doubt
contempt from the world and those i care about
noah's ark would've sank in the tears i've cried
happiness is a cruel joke a myth an urban legend
the storybooks all lied
there are no happy endings
hope's gone rolled over and died

my reality

still dazed and confused
what was it i saw in you
like light reflected through glass
i saw beauty kindness love
reality was ugliness vanity hate
fairydust in my eyes i guess
i saw perfection nothing less
blinders off dealing with my loss
heart shattered what a cost
you're still around still don't care
use me abuse me taunt and jeer
now the truth comes to light
you're a scared selfish boy not so bright
never saw all that was offered you
you'd rather be with a silly fool
do you really need to be the pretty one
the one with the brains the favorite son
maybe i was just that much of a threat to you
 am i too cute too nice too smart too well liked
i've got it all baby and you're just toast
dry crusty plain no flavor left
you stole my heart and that is theft
so now i take it back mine again
think next time my silly clueless stupid friend

still here

so much of my life consumed by you
its like coming out of a black hole
seeing life for the first time fresh new
what's going on where's everyone, what to do
fell out of the loop following you
now i'll have to find everyone anew
pick up the pieces of my shattered life
so much gone for so little gain
an eternity of loneliness and strife
no more lost time or wasted tears
done with all the taunts and jeers
friends all waiting with open arms
wide shoulders words of comfort
i felt so scared cold and alone
when they were here waiting all along

WHO?

time to get down off that lovers cross
build a fire with all that wasted wood
burn every trace of the fool ive been
everyones got a weakness i guess mines men
trying to become a saint or a martyr
seems to have been my lifes work
always rescuing strays...........i shoulda stuck to dogs
at least they love unconditionally true
seems ive been living a life tinged in blue
peering under every rock for heartache and pain
think i'll have that drama magnet up my ass surgically removed
cant be too soon or too fast
imagine my surprise when i realized i don't need you
i have a home, a good job, wonderful family and friends that love me,
               a future
you have a pretty face and youth
looks fade and so shall you sad sad truth
i'm fine strong happy and true
about time i said michael who?

shedding skins

heartache's been hangin like a weight around my neck
dragging me under pulling me down
i refuse to give up the fight
i'll triumph i'll be allright
not worth my time much less my pain
keep my wits about me this won't happen again
he's not worth my effort or my tears
i've wasted what seems like years
was i a toy or some silly pet
an actual man wasn't what he wanted to get
imature a child a spoiled selfish brat
unable to respond to me as an equal
over done finished there'll be no sequel
i'm moving on reclaimimg all that is mine
i'm lightening up timmy's gonna be fine
already lost 180 pounds of useless dead weight
what a relief it sure does feel great
so now here i am here on my own
he may still be around but i'm gone gone gone

the return

i guess the time is here
ghost given up towel thrown in
reality overrides my silly fantasies
the man did not and will not love me
i was only a conveience when he was in need
we'll never be together ever never
not in a million years
no white picket fences
it's time to stand for myself for my dignity
the doormat no more
i'll get the respect i deserve
it's a new world order
don't cross my boundaries
it's at my conveience if i so choose
he's an adult i'm not responsible for him
not for his health welfare sanity happiness or pain
timmy comes first always i gotta remember that
move on no more pining away
no more dreams or stardust it's a waste of time
the dawning of a brand new day
tim is back and i'm here to stay

waiting

i've been waiting for an eternity
waiting for love to arrive
waiting for my lucky break
waiting to discover my passion
waiting to be noticed
waiting for a kind word
waiting for my knight
imagine my horror................
waiting over everything discovered
love happiness passion life
only to be waiting again
waiting for the betrayal to end

the monster within

how grotesque i must appear
do i look as bad as i feel
eyes bulging bloodshot teeth broken uneven
skin mottled with sores and bruises
hair ripped out by the roots
nails broken blood dripping from self inflicted wounds
crippled broken hunchback
scorned by all no pity in this world
rocks thrown at me as i pass
taunts screams freak monster pervert
leave here die you're not wanted
i crawl inside myself into my hole
hiding from a bitter cruel world
too bad i can't hide from myself
i'm my worst enemy
hating myself more than anyone
a monster reviled for being born
unable to fit in scared to try again
door slammed in my face too many times
so i travel by moonlight and darkness
the only comfort i know the shadows
in darkness i'll reside till the end of time

inside out

can you fight the enemy
when the enemy is you
betrayed by my soul
turned on by my heart
deserted by my senses
unable to do battle
prevented from any defense
tied my hands behind my back
slit my own throat
covered in blood waiting
will i live or die
does it matter to anyone
no one left to trust
my instincts have forsaken me
i think i'll make it
is that the ultimate lie
mayhaps won't know till i try

frozen

i'm so cold no warmth to be had
teeth chattering goosebumps covering flesh
cold to the bone to the soul
no blood flows no feeling left
not enough blankets or heat to warm
           my frozen barren heart
fingers blue lips cracked
breath freezing in the air
frosbite death certain
how to warm the heart that's cold
tears frozen to my face
icicles hanging from my beard
ice king lord of the baren plain
ruler of this dead ice planet
alone in a world froze solid
another ice age has come
lord of the frozen hell i call home

empty

withered dead barren
love falling from the vine
unable to care unable to cry
feelings frozen do i care
staring out into the void
there's nothing there
no wind stirs no life
no sounds no colors onlt gray
unable to scream
unable to leave
i suppose thiswill pass
right now it doesn't matter
i'll heal i'll move on
nothing will ever be the same
he was my first
the only one to touch my heart
how sad he knew not how precious the gift i bestowed
he couln't comprehend
mine wasn't a deflowering
i'm ripped plundered bruised
my scars will be my reminder
a constant sign of my hearts desire
an ugly fact i have to face
horrible pain i'll carry to my grave

the design

i hear a faint echo what's that sweet sound
vibrating through me reverberating from the ground
sound getting stronger earth moving all around
walls begin crumbling prisons falling down
foundations built on false illusions laying on their side
i feel a tearing deep inside pain followed by ecstacy
crying i collapse tears of the ages falling to the ground
rushing like a raging river they sweep everything away
i'm soaring into the sky  watching memories float by on clouds
no more regret or suffering all that's over and done
i'm no longer by myself with the universe i'm one
so now i resurface alive refreshed whole
nude i walk along feeling no pride no shame just bliss
everything happens as it will so with lifes current i shall flow
pain life happiness sorrow love death all part of the cosmic design
moving like the tide each in turn for with everything we experience we evolve and learn
though life can be cold and harsh and this i know
without a doubt through it all i'll bloom and grow
my roots run deep branches strong and true
into the wind and rain unafraid i go forth blessed
glowing with eternal light filled with the power of the universe
i'm a glorious sight to behold
looking into the water at my reflection i smile from the depths of my soul

romance

i run to you
you flee from me
not understanding my actions
are you totally clueless
do you just pretend
there was never a beginning
how can there be an end
maybe you're being kind
pretending to spare my feeling
now we play lifes funny game
i hold you with deep affection
too bad you don't feel the same
where is it you stand
pity scorn indifference
life never goes as planned
so here we go moving in lifes dance
you looking for tomorrow me looking for romance

so many men

i was a fool but i took a chance
what were you thinking to hell with romance
sex is much simpler and so much fun
cum and go over and done
no messy emotions no need to talk
drop down on my knees and then take a walk
so i'll go back to my old motto
if i know your name the romance is dead
find a willing man and just give em head
at least that way i won't live a lie
too sick of the bullshit no longer willing to try
why did i think i needed more
that's just foolish i'm happier acting like a whore
so cruising i'll go time and again
so little time so many men!

burned

of you i don't expect a thing
just be yourself live your life
be happy strong and true
powerful and magical this you truly are
your beauty is legend shining like a star
smile radiant brighter than the sun
laughter like silver bells ringing in the world
before you nothing existed
tis the honest truth
foy you i sacrificed everything
if only i could do more
i can't hope to capture a flame
my soul is already scorched and burrned
so i warm myself by your fire
i  feel the heat on my body but a chill in my heart
basking in your radience but reaching not your soul

dreaming of you

i watch you on the sofa asleep
my heart aches and swells oceans are deep
your hair scattered about face puffed with sleep
never more beautiful i want to weep
your breath shallow a faint wheezing snore
seeing you so peaceful makes me love you more
limbs all akimbo dog lying at your feet
i've never seen something so breathtakingly sweet
my body aches with longing breath caught in my chest
i long for you to wake say you love me
that's just a dream a whim of my heart
for our worlds are oceans and continents apart
you don't love me you never could
i can't love another i never would
as you lay dreaming i'm dreaming too
i know not what you dream but i dream of you

here we are

why can't i get angry
scream cuss shout
get it in the open get it out
past the point of anger i guess
moving through the sorrow
ready to face another day
deal with my tomorrows
so i'm bemused and more than a little sad
pain still there a dull throbbing ache
i supposethe heartache's something i'll never shake
ironic isn't it my love so very true
so i'm trapped here in limbo
stuck with it stuck with you
it's in vain and i guess it'll have to be ok
pathetic but i do love you anyway
here's the gorram truth sad yes i do know
me looking at you you looking afar
opposite ideas so here we are

rivers/oceans

rivers of pain oceans of doubt
on these i ride and am tossed about
no use screaming or crying
no one hears you so stop trying
you built your wall and it was stout
nothing got through what was that about
for 25 years you tended it well
along came the handsome stranger over it fell
grief over him yes tis true
but theres much much more making you blue
he's not to blame for all my pain
for after all he's only a man
i grieve for losses both great and small
there was so much shit behind that wall
so now i wallow and thrash about
swimming in a flood of all i let out
in the end i'll be ok
the water receds more every day
starting over stronger.....i think
i suppose i've the heartless bastard to thank

BLUE

BLUE

a lost cause

i've squandered my heart on a lost cause
knights don't always win sometimes they die
fighting windmills isn't something to try
it was a lost cause from the start
i should've seen but i followed my heart
i was trying to rescue the beautiful liar
all the while he was planning my funeral pyre
unleashed a plot to kill my heart
poisioning me with unlove from the start
he trapped me took over my life
haven't i had enough pain grief and strife
he won the battle and the war i'm lost gone
wandering dazed and confused awoke all alone
now i exist at his beck and call
he never even wanted me imagine the gall
a failed knight an unwinnable quest
i've lost everything and to him it's just a jest

my story

heartbreak becomes inspiration
pain ebbs ideas swell
words flow freely ideas become reality
i've a story i must tell
my life on the page bloody sad true
a story so horrifying even stephen king would blanch
crawling sad and lonely on the road to hell
fact is horrifying much scarier than fiction
worse than monsters under the bed
a tale of woe love lost hearts bound in grief
shakespear has his tragic little tales
but i've lived mine as well
pain enough to fill a dictionary
no words sad enough to tell
a fairytale of the olden kind
no happy endings or knights to the rescue
just me cursed and alone
screaming in agony and writhing in pain
soul torn open ripped to the bone
left with these bloody picyures swirling in my head
hope love and reason lying dead
grief pain confusion sorrow loneliness all abound
my story yesterday today tomorrow into infinity
.............................THE END

written in blood and tears

why you what do you posses
what captivates and enthralls
is it fairy blood, captivating smile
laughter ringing like bells
do you toss your head throw a spell
are you even aware of your power
how many have fallen at your feet
crawled in your patchouli laden wake
just begging for a glance
pleading for one chance
am i alone in the quest
hah right oh yes surely a jest
i have nothing you desire
nothing you could want
why do i go on trying
spilling my heart ripping my guts out
words written with blood and tears
everything open and exposed
naked before the world
now there's nothing left
lying empty broken hollow
where do i go from here
maybe i'll know tomorrow

bein a fool

whatever you want
whatever you need
tell me that's what i'll be
strong true silent like an oak
silly playful ever the fool
shy quite bashful
intellectual bright quick
sexy sensual erotic
i'm all this and more
a total package
you've left unopened
you formed your opinion
ignored all the facts
made your assumptions
now we can't go back
i could've been all you need
you shut your eyes paid me no heed
i'm left alone unwanted by you
i love you though you don't care
you'll never find a man to compare
so onward we go nothin else to do
me loving you, you being a fool

the serpent

i thought it was a nightmare
but the horror is real
the sorrow of my life too much to bear
trapped by a reptile in human skin
truth came out love and kindness a lie
the srepent has swallowed me whole
i'm being digested slowly eaten alive
when we met i was mezmerized
never look a snake in the eyes
hypnotic stare unable to look away
under his spell unable to flee
crushed in his grasp suffocating
he shed his pretty skin
too late i realized he wasn't human
now i've become food for a snake
when you fall for a serpent
that's a risk that you take

dormant

winter my friend cold harsh dead
matches me mood for mood
hand in hand we walk
frozen barren lifeless cold
does hope survive seeds lying dormant
will the sun shine through
can new life spring forth
will winter keep me in it's embrace
so far the underworld is winning
hope held tightly in a prison of despair
i know life must still exist
somewhere buried deep within
how to wake it let the sun shine
wind rain gloom comfort my heart
nature in sympothy with my pain
still winters death begets springs life
what will become of me
will happiness or joy ever resurface
can the land of shadows keep me
life will eventually return i suppose
just not while shrouded in mourning clothes

UNICORNS

in the garden of the moon under a canopy of stars

horns shining bright breath steaming from nostrils wide

white hide gleaming in the night

silently they move gliding in and out of sight

long manesand tails streaming behind in the breeze

cautiously they approach the pool to drink

unicorns i think filled with wonder i watch

breath caught in my throat eyes wide with delite

they drink their fill these creatures of the light

they glide past me quickly moving out of sight

the essence of purity and light magical rare

creatures as old as time fragile as the air

slowly i make my way to the hidden pool

laying among the hoofprints giddy as a fool

then i awake a smile upon my face

fate has shown me a magical sacred place

so joyously i begin my mundane day

knowing that magic and light are just a dream away

a fatal kiss

a kiss now i'm dying
poisoned lips
was it a potion
an evil spell
a trick of the fairies
i'm slowly fading
such a horrible drug
first joy bliss
sexual fire
then numbness starts
slowly turing to stone
heart heavy blood slowing
no cure possible
my sight blurs
senses all going
i no longer feel
death insidious slow
never known real love
no joy no bliss
now i'm dying
from one fatal kiss

dreamin i go

stolen moments scant kisses
the first time in my car
my happy memories my ugly scars
who knew life would change
i'm lost alone dreamimg
living in a fantasy  world
somewhere you could care
where i have a chance
in this land of ghosts and demons
anything might happen
so  here i shall reside
the real world holds no joy
truth is painful and unyielding
i prefer the dreams i'm living
so for a while just let me go
i know the ugly truth
oh yes i surely know
but once again dreamin' i go

life goes on

life goes on
world keeps turning
i keep moving
tryin to keep up
did i fall behind
where has everyone gone
no one in sight
i'm left here alone
trying not to fall off
the edge is so near
what lies beyond
nothing i fear
what is life
you live love die
2 out of 3 not bad nice try
unloved by any
failed that test
so now i run blindly
falling further behind
screaming and wailing
going out of my mind

DIRGE

your life is a song
mine is a dirge
everyone happy and gay
i'm forever set apart cursed
when did i make that turn
the wrong fork in the road
now the path has disappeared
stumbling blindly frantic
unable to find my way back
thr musics dying
the last chords fading
silence engulfs me
too tired to carry on
dragged forward inexplicably
unable to bow out
the gods know i've tried
why does the body live
when the spirit has died

my cloak

sadness heavy in the air
sorrow my cloak
unhappiness my best friend
misery my travelling companion
loneliness following close behind
grief tagging along for the ride
hope lays dead by the road
despair the ocean i swim in
raging river formed of tears
reveling in my agony
bewitched by an angry sprite
shivering with fear
shrieking in pain
wake up shivering terrified
living my waking mighmare once again

mornin heartache

mornin heartache
can we talk
you've been livin here much to long
so why not get lost
i want my life back
such as it was
so pack up your stuff
then walk through the door
don't try comin back
cause you don't live here anymore!

dust

i no longer exist
there's no cohesion
i'm liquid
unable to support myself
pooling around you
living for a glance
an unoffered chance
slowly seeping into the ground
evaporating
less of me every day
i'll be gone dried up
will you notice
or just knock the dust from your feet

FU*K

FUCK FATE
FUCK LONELINESS
FUCK SORROW
FUCK THIS SAD WEEPING SHIT
FUCK YOUR FROZEN HEART
FUCK LONELY BITTER TEARS
FUCK OUTSIDE INFLUENCES
FUCK INDIFFERENCE
FUCK IRONY AND LIES
FUCK HEARTACHE
FUCK LOVE
FUCK MY BROKEN HEART
FUCK GRIEF AND MISERY
FUCK IT
FUCK OFF!

just friends

where oh where is that middle ground
the space between light and dak
where i can just be me and not fall apart
i open my mouth but nothing is right
why must we argue why must we fight
walking through landmines emotional bombs
crawling on eggshells living on crumbs
you can do no wrong i cant get it right
discovering this new world such a fright
new emotions old scars fresh wounds where will it end
my doubt and confusion at being just a friend

SAD LONELY FAGGOT

4 decades gone by
i'm still alone
never once loved
always on my own
to what do i owe
this lonely fate
am i that ugly
or just freakin fat
maybe i'm simply repulsive
or something like that
all my friends say
i'm really cute
are they just lying
or is that point moot
so sick of being all alone
what the fuck to do
i guess i'll get old
have lots and lots of pets
sad lonely faggot
can you imagine that

ME AGAIN

who am i
what do i seek
crawling through life
mild and meek
illusions of strength
humor hiding terror
who the hell is that coward in the mirror
to be me oh but how
for this i shall try
small steps faltering
inching forward
clawing my way up
nails bloody and broken
mistakes made lessons learned
doubts threaten to overwhelm
still i go on
spine of steel in this jellyfish
i won't break
despair and doubt won't win
one of these days i'll be me again

A GAMBLE

FUCK PISS SHIT
i'm tired of this
so why not just quit
stop whining and crying
moaning and lying
so lifes unfair
yes this is true
so wheres the surprise
especially for you
it never comes easy
there'll always be loss
lifes just a gamble
a coin that you toss
now get off your ass
and show em who's boss

absolutely absurd

solitary such a sad word
apparently my motto
how absolutely absurd
being alone isnt noble
its certainly no fun
walk sleep dream alone
where the fuck has everyone gone
what in me pushes them back
repelling people i've got the knack
whats wrong with me
what do i lack
where have y'all gone
please please come back

lonely again

now comes a question
what do you feel
pain sadness betrayal
can this be real
the answer and truth
for what it's worth
is you love alone
his heart is long gone
how can love be sad
miserable and pathetic
have i gone mad
i weep and i moan
pining away
wasting my tomorrows
for false yesterdays
so i gambled and lost
happiness comes at such a high cost
in the game we call life
you dont always win
so here i go..........lonely again

TO WALK THROUGH FIRE

to walk through fire
such a grand thing
burning coals a portal a seeker may find
answers to the questions that weigh on your mind
use care what you seek answers shall bind
clarity sought clarity got
what a horrible shock
all i thought real dreams and illusions
i got what i asked for oh what to feel
to late i figured out this raw deal
bring on the hurt pour on the pain this is for real

what a strange thing

what a strange thing
awoke with a smile
goodness knows it's been a long while
pain still there but now i can see
mayhaps there's hope even for me
alone still yes tis true
yet i'll be ok even though blue
a nice dream that lasted awhile
now through the tears comes forth this smile

loves never wrong

could there be hope
can i see light
something shining faintly
at the edge of my night
it flickers and sputters
refusing to die
banishing sorrow by and by
though i still hurt
and feel life grim
i'll carry on with this whim
loves never wrong
not good nor bad
its just something that sparks
then shines really brite
if i had chose wisely
would that make it right
so he won't love me
worlds never end
sorrow gives way
time to start over again

'evermore

was it a glamor a slight of the hand
a spell of love or simply fate
either way i've fallen
what once brought me joy
now brings pain anf tears
falling into depsair
dragged down by the weight of misery
what should i do
where can i go
trapped by my love
i'm unable to show
in love with sir michael
master of my lost soul
his indifference shrouds me
in grief and despair
what can you dowhen love isn't there
so i'll carry on as before
my broken heart beating alone 'evermore

doormats

doormats catch all the dirt and grime
to keep it outside
how much empathy i feel
as i shake the footprints from my spine
never speak up always do all i can
wear yourself to nothing
you'll still never have that man
love is blind and i'm a fool
wasting time on tearsanf grief
as i follow you to my doom

the hardest test

does no one understand me
i try to do my best
for good i take a stand
no one sees the man i want to be
just the boy i really am
pride bigotry hate emotions unneeded
but tied to me by fate
to shed who i was
to become who i am
a lifelong quest
how can anyone love me
do i really love myself
blame all lifes woes on the external
to look in the mirror the hardest test
is life to blame for my poor choices
my lack of feeling or stupidity
i am who i am good or bad
just one totally fucked up man

faggott

faggott queer sissy
the names of my childhood
now worn with pride
survival my quest
emotions shut down
its how i survived
tortured by assholes
no tearsshed by me
though dying inside
strength my solution
i took it all in stride
far from my home
i must reside
small town hatred
more than i could abide
family and friends lost along the way
such is the price of pride

you're both gone

mother father where are you
i'm so lost and alone
don't you love me
don't you miss me
i'm still your child
though full grown
years pass decades gone
just like yesterday
still alone
i'm 8 years old
you're both gone

abandoned

a child of bliss
happy and undisturbed by life
robbed of everything by death
surviving alone and forsaken
abandoned by the fates
left alone and adrift
body living soul dead
my youth gone and dried up
wasted life wasted years
then a smile a laugh
armor cracking heart melting
love blossoms once again
oh cruel fate fickle wind
raw and open to everything
dam washed away emotions out of control
it was all for nothing
back turned harsh words
realization too late
he wanted my life not me
heart stolen and trampled
love thrown away
left with ruin and destruction
drowning in a pit of despair

hell

tear ducts dry and sore
ribs aching with sobs
throat closed with pain
unable to draw a breath
this is hell
mind churning with what ifs
heart longing
arms ache with loss
love wasted feeling forsaken
wallowing in self pity
teeth knashing sobs of pain
tearing at my flesh
wanting my body to ache
as much as my soul
will the agony never end
i think the tearsare gone
then like a tidal wave
they wash over me again
clinging to sanity by a thread
how can i hold on
when hope is dead

fairytales

happiness a myth
love a lie
pain rips my heart
loneliness tears my soul
fairytales always end
with death or destruction
how else would they go

ILLUSION/REALITY

loneliness deafening
heartache overpowering
desperation everywhere
love an illusion
pain is reality
drowning in bitter tears
hope crashing broken
heart and soul dying
the empty shell lives
unable to break the cycle
trapped all these years

archer

i should've known
i could've ran
danger far from my mind
archer how fitting
his arrow pierced my heart
i'm captured
how ironic he hunts for sport
hearts like trophies on the wall
mine and countless others
does he delight in the kill
or is it the torture of the hunt
how do i escape
i built my own cage
trapped by a foolish heart
painting the bullseye on myself
now pity and indifference mock me
a life lesson he tells me
what lesson in suffering and torment
better a quick kill
no release for me
 trapped in misery still

alone and confused

how do you focus on the positive
when blinded and overwhelmed by negativity
34 and always alone
no one ever loved me
or called mt their own
friends comfort me and cherish my soul
but that doesn't warm me
through long bitter nights
shivering and alone
cowering with fright
foresaken by love taunted by hindsight
betrayed by false hope and delusions
instincts driven mad by guilt and confusion
alone in the darkness longing
needing to be held and loved
unable to connect to anyone
frustration and anger fill me with bile
cursing fate and the gods one and the same
tossing and turning alone in the night
still alone and confused at the dawning of light

innocent years

a babys smile
dogs wagging tails
innocent beautiful
proof of the divine
blissful once
full of hope and happiness
then worlds ripped assunder
tranquility destroyed
dropped into desolation and despair
unable to escape
years roll by
grinding hope into dust
unable to love
unable to trust
how to regain innocence lost
was it real
or only a dream
could i have been happy and whole
memories filtered through
blood stained tears
i wail and lament
those innocent years

falling into oblivion

love passion
myth fantasy
desire loneliness
one and the same
darkness ahead
life's a lonely road
barren and wasted
no hope no love
how it must feel
to laugh and love
to hold someone dear
never for me
only emptiness and sorrow
this journey called life
my trail of tears
falling into oblivion
crawling exhausted
no escape
no white knight
no hope of rescue
is there no relief
no respite from the pain
new day dawns
hopeless again

alone again

ever alone chances gone
life's little joke
and i'm the brunt
given a capacity to love
then cursed to be alone
karma's a bitch
that much i know
how evil was i
what did i do
for now my suffering is endless
heartbreak at every turn
will i never learn
an experiment in terror
a life lived in loneliness
suffocating from the pain
happiness out of reach
the stench of decay overwhems my senses
alone again..............

let the horror begin

for one brief moment happiness

looking up into the sun

my heart filled with joy

then i fell over the cliffs

lying shattered on the rocks below

now i am broken and battered

bones protruding skin bleeding

pain overwhelms me

like the tide coming in

suffering supreme

such a tragic ending

now i see the danger

love's light will blind you

then reality will find you

LET THE HORROR BEGIN...............

michael

he was a beauty
smile like sunshine
laughter sweet rain
hair spun silk
skin alabaster
lips ripe and full
a body to die for
michael his name
i thought he could love me
delusions of granduer
hurt just the same
friendship not passion
that was his game
so i must settle
for what he has offered
but if my heart breaks
can it be blamed
love life irony
one and the same

mama

april first a day of mirth and fun
but NOT for this poor orphaned son
see i lost my mama when i was a lad
a poor lonely boy bitter and sad
alone and bereft what could i do
years of bitter tears longing for you
i do fine all thru the year except this one day
 see today is her birthday what more can i say
so now i try to focus on the joy
the laughter and bliss of this mama's boy
laying on a blanket with stars over my head
you howling with laughter at the things that i said
that last summer when you learned to swim
conquering a terrible fear of water just for your tim
you were the perfect mama who could ask for more
you opened my mind and let me explore
i owe you so much more than i could ever repay
your love made me the man i am today
so here's to you mama on a very special day
i love you still there's nothin more to say

deaths sweet embrace

can pain kill me
i feel i'm dying
slowly life fading away
my heart isdead
will it stop beating
must i suffer forever
how the dead heart aches
like razors have ripped me
bleeding and raw i lay in my sorrow
longing for release
bitterness runs through my veins
swimmimg in an ocean of tears
a martyr for love
useless and wanting
a bitter cycle
over and over again
until deaths sweet embrace eases my pain

my sorrow

my reality your delusion
my truth your lie
my love is wasted
my heart is broken
my soul is barren
my loins are aching
my eyes burn with tears
my mind races with questions
my emptiness knows no boundries
my pain engulfs me
my sobs rock me
my sorrow overwhelms me
my life is wanting
my hope has faded
my mind knows the truth
my heart won't listen
my arms long to hold you
my lips long to kiss you
my soul longs to die
my one chance has gone by

why

why am i here
why am i alone
why won't he love me
why do i try
why is all hope gone
why does it hurt
why do i cry
why didn't i know
why is love a lie
why do i go on
why can't it stop
why wake up
why do hearts break
why do lips lie
why is he fickle
why do i care
why am i ugly
why does it matter
why....................................

blinded

shining like a beacon
his light cut through my darkness
the sunlight of his smile
warmed my cold soul
unable to stop
i basked in his glow
blinded by his beauty
i couldn't see the danger
now i'm drowning in torrents of tears
and the melting of my frozen heart
silver blood addictive
his laughter intoxicating
one smile and i was lost
his kiss captured my heart
now like smoke he's floating away
naked and freezing
i long for the fire of his love
forever looking o're the horizon
for the return of something
that was never there