waiting

i've been waiting for an eternity
waiting for love to arrive
waiting for my lucky break
waiting to discover my passion
waiting to be noticed
waiting for a kind word
waiting for my knight
imagine my horror................
waiting over everything discovered
love happiness passion life
only to be waiting again
waiting for the betrayal to end

the monster within

how grotesque i must appear
do i look as bad as i feel
eyes bulging bloodshot teeth broken uneven
skin mottled with sores and bruises
hair ripped out by the roots
nails broken blood dripping from self inflicted wounds
crippled broken hunchback
scorned by all no pity in this world
rocks thrown at me as i pass
taunts screams freak monster pervert
leave here die you're not wanted
i crawl inside myself into my hole
hiding from a bitter cruel world
too bad i can't hide from myself
i'm my worst enemy
hating myself more than anyone
a monster reviled for being born
unable to fit in scared to try again
door slammed in my face too many times
so i travel by moonlight and darkness
the only comfort i know the shadows
in darkness i'll reside till the end of time

inside out

can you fight the enemy
when the enemy is you
betrayed by my soul
turned on by my heart
deserted by my senses
unable to do battle
prevented from any defense
tied my hands behind my back
slit my own throat
covered in blood waiting
will i live or die
does it matter to anyone
no one left to trust
my instincts have forsaken me
i think i'll make it
is that the ultimate lie
mayhaps won't know till i try

frozen

i'm so cold no warmth to be had
teeth chattering goosebumps covering flesh
cold to the bone to the soul
no blood flows no feeling left
not enough blankets or heat to warm
           my frozen barren heart
fingers blue lips cracked
breath freezing in the air
frosbite death certain
how to warm the heart that's cold
tears frozen to my face
icicles hanging from my beard
ice king lord of the baren plain
ruler of this dead ice planet
alone in a world froze solid
another ice age has come
lord of the frozen hell i call home

empty

withered dead barren
love falling from the vine
unable to care unable to cry
feelings frozen do i care
staring out into the void
there's nothing there
no wind stirs no life
no sounds no colors onlt gray
unable to scream
unable to leave
i suppose thiswill pass
right now it doesn't matter
i'll heal i'll move on
nothing will ever be the same
he was my first
the only one to touch my heart
how sad he knew not how precious the gift i bestowed
he couln't comprehend
mine wasn't a deflowering
i'm ripped plundered bruised
my scars will be my reminder
a constant sign of my hearts desire
an ugly fact i have to face
horrible pain i'll carry to my grave

the design

i hear a faint echo what's that sweet sound
vibrating through me reverberating from the ground
sound getting stronger earth moving all around
walls begin crumbling prisons falling down
foundations built on false illusions laying on their side
i feel a tearing deep inside pain followed by ecstacy
crying i collapse tears of the ages falling to the ground
rushing like a raging river they sweep everything away
i'm soaring into the sky  watching memories float by on clouds
no more regret or suffering all that's over and done
i'm no longer by myself with the universe i'm one
so now i resurface alive refreshed whole
nude i walk along feeling no pride no shame just bliss
everything happens as it will so with lifes current i shall flow
pain life happiness sorrow love death all part of the cosmic design
moving like the tide each in turn for with everything we experience we evolve and learn
though life can be cold and harsh and this i know
without a doubt through it all i'll bloom and grow
my roots run deep branches strong and true
into the wind and rain unafraid i go forth blessed
glowing with eternal light filled with the power of the universe
i'm a glorious sight to behold
looking into the water at my reflection i smile from the depths of my soul

romance

i run to you
you flee from me
not understanding my actions
are you totally clueless
do you just pretend
there was never a beginning
how can there be an end
maybe you're being kind
pretending to spare my feeling
now we play lifes funny game
i hold you with deep affection
too bad you don't feel the same
where is it you stand
pity scorn indifference
life never goes as planned
so here we go moving in lifes dance
you looking for tomorrow me looking for romance

so many men

i was a fool but i took a chance
what were you thinking to hell with romance
sex is much simpler and so much fun
cum and go over and done
no messy emotions no need to talk
drop down on my knees and then take a walk
so i'll go back to my old motto
if i know your name the romance is dead
find a willing man and just give em head
at least that way i won't live a lie
too sick of the bullshit no longer willing to try
why did i think i needed more
that's just foolish i'm happier acting like a whore
so cruising i'll go time and again
so little time so many men!

burned

of you i don't expect a thing
just be yourself live your life
be happy strong and true
powerful and magical this you truly are
your beauty is legend shining like a star
smile radiant brighter than the sun
laughter like silver bells ringing in the world
before you nothing existed
tis the honest truth
foy you i sacrificed everything
if only i could do more
i can't hope to capture a flame
my soul is already scorched and burrned
so i warm myself by your fire
i  feel the heat on my body but a chill in my heart
basking in your radience but reaching not your soul

dreaming of you

i watch you on the sofa asleep
my heart aches and swells oceans are deep
your hair scattered about face puffed with sleep
never more beautiful i want to weep
your breath shallow a faint wheezing snore
seeing you so peaceful makes me love you more
limbs all akimbo dog lying at your feet
i've never seen something so breathtakingly sweet
my body aches with longing breath caught in my chest
i long for you to wake say you love me
that's just a dream a whim of my heart
for our worlds are oceans and continents apart
you don't love me you never could
i can't love another i never would
as you lay dreaming i'm dreaming too
i know not what you dream but i dream of you

here we are

why can't i get angry
scream cuss shout
get it in the open get it out
past the point of anger i guess
moving through the sorrow
ready to face another day
deal with my tomorrows
so i'm bemused and more than a little sad
pain still there a dull throbbing ache
i supposethe heartache's something i'll never shake
ironic isn't it my love so very true
so i'm trapped here in limbo
stuck with it stuck with you
it's in vain and i guess it'll have to be ok
pathetic but i do love you anyway
here's the gorram truth sad yes i do know
me looking at you you looking afar
opposite ideas so here we are

rivers/oceans

rivers of pain oceans of doubt
on these i ride and am tossed about
no use screaming or crying
no one hears you so stop trying
you built your wall and it was stout
nothing got through what was that about
for 25 years you tended it well
along came the handsome stranger over it fell
grief over him yes tis true
but theres much much more making you blue
he's not to blame for all my pain
for after all he's only a man
i grieve for losses both great and small
there was so much shit behind that wall
so now i wallow and thrash about
swimming in a flood of all i let out
in the end i'll be ok
the water receds more every day
starting over stronger.....i think
i suppose i've the heartless bastard to thank

BLUE

BLUE

a lost cause

i've squandered my heart on a lost cause
knights don't always win sometimes they die
fighting windmills isn't something to try
it was a lost cause from the start
i should've seen but i followed my heart
i was trying to rescue the beautiful liar
all the while he was planning my funeral pyre
unleashed a plot to kill my heart
poisioning me with unlove from the start
he trapped me took over my life
haven't i had enough pain grief and strife
he won the battle and the war i'm lost gone
wandering dazed and confused awoke all alone
now i exist at his beck and call
he never even wanted me imagine the gall
a failed knight an unwinnable quest
i've lost everything and to him it's just a jest

my story

heartbreak becomes inspiration
pain ebbs ideas swell
words flow freely ideas become reality
i've a story i must tell
my life on the page bloody sad true
a story so horrifying even stephen king would blanch
crawling sad and lonely on the road to hell
fact is horrifying much scarier than fiction
worse than monsters under the bed
a tale of woe love lost hearts bound in grief
shakespear has his tragic little tales
but i've lived mine as well
pain enough to fill a dictionary
no words sad enough to tell
a fairytale of the olden kind
no happy endings or knights to the rescue
just me cursed and alone
screaming in agony and writhing in pain
soul torn open ripped to the bone
left with these bloody picyures swirling in my head
hope love and reason lying dead
grief pain confusion sorrow loneliness all abound
my story yesterday today tomorrow into infinity
.............................THE END

written in blood and tears

why you what do you posses
what captivates and enthralls
is it fairy blood, captivating smile
laughter ringing like bells
do you toss your head throw a spell
are you even aware of your power
how many have fallen at your feet
crawled in your patchouli laden wake
just begging for a glance
pleading for one chance
am i alone in the quest
hah right oh yes surely a jest
i have nothing you desire
nothing you could want
why do i go on trying
spilling my heart ripping my guts out
words written with blood and tears
everything open and exposed
naked before the world
now there's nothing left
lying empty broken hollow
where do i go from here
maybe i'll know tomorrow

bein a fool

whatever you want
whatever you need
tell me that's what i'll be
strong true silent like an oak
silly playful ever the fool
shy quite bashful
intellectual bright quick
sexy sensual erotic
i'm all this and more
a total package
you've left unopened
you formed your opinion
ignored all the facts
made your assumptions
now we can't go back
i could've been all you need
you shut your eyes paid me no heed
i'm left alone unwanted by you
i love you though you don't care
you'll never find a man to compare
so onward we go nothin else to do
me loving you, you being a fool

the serpent

i thought it was a nightmare
but the horror is real
the sorrow of my life too much to bear
trapped by a reptile in human skin
truth came out love and kindness a lie
the srepent has swallowed me whole
i'm being digested slowly eaten alive
when we met i was mezmerized
never look a snake in the eyes
hypnotic stare unable to look away
under his spell unable to flee
crushed in his grasp suffocating
he shed his pretty skin
too late i realized he wasn't human
now i've become food for a snake
when you fall for a serpent
that's a risk that you take

dormant

winter my friend cold harsh dead
matches me mood for mood
hand in hand we walk
frozen barren lifeless cold
does hope survive seeds lying dormant
will the sun shine through
can new life spring forth
will winter keep me in it's embrace
so far the underworld is winning
hope held tightly in a prison of despair
i know life must still exist
somewhere buried deep within
how to wake it let the sun shine
wind rain gloom comfort my heart
nature in sympothy with my pain
still winters death begets springs life
what will become of me
will happiness or joy ever resurface
can the land of shadows keep me
life will eventually return i suppose
just not while shrouded in mourning clothes

UNICORNS

in the garden of the moon under a canopy of stars

horns shining bright breath steaming from nostrils wide

white hide gleaming in the night

silently they move gliding in and out of sight

long manesand tails streaming behind in the breeze

cautiously they approach the pool to drink

unicorns i think filled with wonder i watch

breath caught in my throat eyes wide with delite

they drink their fill these creatures of the light

they glide past me quickly moving out of sight

the essence of purity and light magical rare

creatures as old as time fragile as the air

slowly i make my way to the hidden pool

laying among the hoofprints giddy as a fool

then i awake a smile upon my face

fate has shown me a magical sacred place

so joyously i begin my mundane day

knowing that magic and light are just a dream away

a fatal kiss

a kiss now i'm dying
poisoned lips
was it a potion
an evil spell
a trick of the fairies
i'm slowly fading
such a horrible drug
first joy bliss
sexual fire
then numbness starts
slowly turing to stone
heart heavy blood slowing
no cure possible
my sight blurs
senses all going
i no longer feel
death insidious slow
never known real love
no joy no bliss
now i'm dying
from one fatal kiss

dreamin i go

stolen moments scant kisses
the first time in my car
my happy memories my ugly scars
who knew life would change
i'm lost alone dreamimg
living in a fantasy  world
somewhere you could care
where i have a chance
in this land of ghosts and demons
anything might happen
so  here i shall reside
the real world holds no joy
truth is painful and unyielding
i prefer the dreams i'm living
so for a while just let me go
i know the ugly truth
oh yes i surely know
but once again dreamin' i go

life goes on

life goes on
world keeps turning
i keep moving
tryin to keep up
did i fall behind
where has everyone gone
no one in sight
i'm left here alone
trying not to fall off
the edge is so near
what lies beyond
nothing i fear
what is life
you live love die
2 out of 3 not bad nice try
unloved by any
failed that test
so now i run blindly
falling further behind
screaming and wailing
going out of my mind

DIRGE

your life is a song
mine is a dirge
everyone happy and gay
i'm forever set apart cursed
when did i make that turn
the wrong fork in the road
now the path has disappeared
stumbling blindly frantic
unable to find my way back
thr musics dying
the last chords fading
silence engulfs me
too tired to carry on
dragged forward inexplicably
unable to bow out
the gods know i've tried
why does the body live
when the spirit has died