lie of truth

waiting for the lies to become reality
how long before my heart is convinced
you'll be fine you don't need him
it's not love just desire for a pretty face
it was just a kiss didn't mean a thing
just hot sex not making love
no emotion just animal instinct
reapeat it as a mantra
convince myself of the lies
the truths too painful
 i love him with all my heart
he's my world the sun the moon the stars
there's nothing that will ever compare for me
he's the pinnacle of my hearts desire
another truth he does NOT love me
he's a user and you're all used up
when he finds a better ride he'll move on
i could die and not rate a passing thought
knowing all this why do i still want him desperately
it'll never happen but how do i stop caring
how can i damn the ocean stop the tide
can i stop the sunrise bring down the moon
the world goes on turning and so does he
here i stay on the isle of my despair

dinner disaster

it should've been pleasant
a brief respite from sorrow
lunch with the love who loves me not
silence and tension across a table
an unbreachable wall
nothing to say nothing at all
he's closed the door i'm out in the cold
excluded from his life out with the old
treated worse than a stranger
all i get is indifference or mayhaps anger
for love and friendship i've tried and sought
i guess he's for sale and must be bought
i've nothing left to give
i'm drained of all time and money too
everything gone poured through his sieve
took what he wanted tossed the rest
i suppose i've failed his test
so now it's all reduced to this
2 calzones 2 waters dead silence aint that bliss
sitting there as the chasm widens
i feel the gulf becoming unspannable
hanging over the edge looking into the void
me smiling reaching for him michael simply being annoyed

the end

i can't breathe
unable to inhale
ribs cracked or broken
crushed by your love
who knew love suffocates
all the oxygen gone
i'm dizzy unable to stand
head swimming
unsure of reality
airs thick is it fog or smoke
vision getting dim
not long now
the end is near
how long must i suffer
lungs burning throat closed
will my misery never end
too tired to go on and on
why is goodbye so long

LOVE to HATE

passion misery
hope despair
life death
opposite sides of one reality
a toss of the coin
fate decided on a whim
win or lose heads or tails
so different yet so close
like me and you addoration and loathing
different realities under one roof
you moving on me stuck here alone
useless fantasies and angry tears
how i love to hate you

drowned

swimming in a sea of loneliness
treading water no land in sight
so tired how can i go on
i've been adrift for months
no food no water nothing to sustain me
thrown about by storm and wave
never saw another soul 
no hope of rescue
the sea doesn't give up her dead
i've been marked for life claimed
she'll never let me escape
skin burned lips cracked
salt burns my eyes and mouth
sharks travel these waters
how long till i'm devoured
will i linger on slowly wasting away
how long till the waters cover me
        and claim my soul for good

darkness

blinded by love unable to see
darkness covers my world
groping trying to find my way
stumbling legs bruised and bloody
falling to my knees in despair
crawling over unfamilar ground
pain and fear reign supreme
there's no light anywhere
the moon and the stars disappeared
the sun imploded gone
the lord of the underworld triumphant
dwelling in darkness for all eternity

the monster

love isn't the blissful myth
love is an insatiable monster
devouring everyone in it's path
paralyzing it's victims
consuming them from the inside out
no one can fight it no knight wins
cities countries whole worlds lost
leaving empty soul-less victims the walking dead
there is no vaccine no immunity no cure
even the strongest succumb
i thought i'd escaped slipped by unnoticed
the creature found me after all these years
my innocence for the appetizer
heart and soul for the main course
now i exist as everyone does
a slave totally under it's control
a monster with no pity or empathy
enslaved for eternity by the monster love

facade

where did i go wrong
did love blind me to reality
seeing life through a haze
you shrouded in loves glow
beautiful blinding breathtaking
enraptured i looked upon you
unable to avert my gaze
horrified the facade dissolves
was it all an illusion a glamor
you've become transparent
there's nothing beyond your shadow
no love no happiness no depth
you exist in another realm
an ideal projected forth all i saw
is it to cover your insecurity self loathing
you won't become involved with someone
      capable of real emotion or evolution
someone to grow and prosper with
so i'll remain wallowing in despair
you'll exist shallow fickle unaware

overlapped

past lives past loves
can they converge with today
i knew you in my soul
at our first touch your kiss was homecoming
the missing piece of my life
with you i was whole
swimming in my memories of you
reality slipped me by
you felt only a brief desire
a fire that burned brightly then died
put out by the oceans of my love
drowned in the ebb and flow of my tide
two realities in different times and worlds
now i wonder lost in this endless desert
looking for you my oasis
the paradise i once had now lost
crawling through sand and storm
trying to get back to the past
was it all a mirage a trick of my mind
where are you shiek of the burning sand
the only one who can rescue me..................
from certain death in this dried up barren land

dreams over dead

what is this sickness
dreams over dead
i've moved on
reclaimed my life
one stupid phone call
your voice on the line
right back where i started
heart pounding
palms sweating
heart soaring
head in the clouds
how do i fight that
squash it kill it
betrayed by myself
sad pathetic but true
in love with a dream
a dream that won't come true

crucifixion of me

what a surprise i thought i was building a life
looking deep into your eyes as you drove the first nail in
hung upon a cross of my own design
blood dripping from my palms and feet
lieslike a spear shoved into my heart
you place a crown of thorns on my head
laughing and smiling all the while
your innocence and beauty a cover for guile
you;ve sacrificed me but why oh why
to save yourself am i an offering to your gods
does my blood bring your desire
my soul favor with your master
do i die in vain to stoke the fire of your vanity
killed by my own love dying of my insanity

doubt overwhelms

empty a void that's what i am
what can i possibly offer anyone
i have nothing i am nothing
im too old too fat too afraid
my life doesn't belong to me
i've no money no nerve
how can i live up to expectations
i've failed at every level
dreams turned to dust blown away
dead end jobs i can't afford to leave
bastardizing myself for nothing
tears have left craters on my face
like the grand canyon worn away by time
it's been far too long since iu felt any hope
does it exist anymore did it ever
life's been one long failed drama
i try to be good for what purpose
don't drink don't smoke no drugs for what reward
pain loneliness frustration self-doubt
contempt from the world and those i care about
noah's ark would've sank in the tears i've cried
happiness is a cruel joke a myth an urban legend
the storybooks all lied
there are no happy endings
hope's gone rolled over and died

my reality

still dazed and confused
what was it i saw in you
like light reflected through glass
i saw beauty kindness love
reality was ugliness vanity hate
fairydust in my eyes i guess
i saw perfection nothing less
blinders off dealing with my loss
heart shattered what a cost
you're still around still don't care
use me abuse me taunt and jeer
now the truth comes to light
you're a scared selfish boy not so bright
never saw all that was offered you
you'd rather be with a silly fool
do you really need to be the pretty one
the one with the brains the favorite son
maybe i was just that much of a threat to you
 am i too cute too nice too smart too well liked
i've got it all baby and you're just toast
dry crusty plain no flavor left
you stole my heart and that is theft
so now i take it back mine again
think next time my silly clueless stupid friend

still here

so much of my life consumed by you
its like coming out of a black hole
seeing life for the first time fresh new
what's going on where's everyone, what to do
fell out of the loop following you
now i'll have to find everyone anew
pick up the pieces of my shattered life
so much gone for so little gain
an eternity of loneliness and strife
no more lost time or wasted tears
done with all the taunts and jeers
friends all waiting with open arms
wide shoulders words of comfort
i felt so scared cold and alone
when they were here waiting all along

WHO?

time to get down off that lovers cross
build a fire with all that wasted wood
burn every trace of the fool ive been
everyones got a weakness i guess mines men
trying to become a saint or a martyr
seems to have been my lifes work
always rescuing strays...........i shoulda stuck to dogs
at least they love unconditionally true
seems ive been living a life tinged in blue
peering under every rock for heartache and pain
think i'll have that drama magnet up my ass surgically removed
cant be too soon or too fast
imagine my surprise when i realized i don't need you
i have a home, a good job, wonderful family and friends that love me,
               a future
you have a pretty face and youth
looks fade and so shall you sad sad truth
i'm fine strong happy and true
about time i said michael who?

shedding skins

heartache's been hangin like a weight around my neck
dragging me under pulling me down
i refuse to give up the fight
i'll triumph i'll be allright
not worth my time much less my pain
keep my wits about me this won't happen again
he's not worth my effort or my tears
i've wasted what seems like years
was i a toy or some silly pet
an actual man wasn't what he wanted to get
imature a child a spoiled selfish brat
unable to respond to me as an equal
over done finished there'll be no sequel
i'm moving on reclaimimg all that is mine
i'm lightening up timmy's gonna be fine
already lost 180 pounds of useless dead weight
what a relief it sure does feel great
so now here i am here on my own
he may still be around but i'm gone gone gone

the return

i guess the time is here
ghost given up towel thrown in
reality overrides my silly fantasies
the man did not and will not love me
i was only a conveience when he was in need
we'll never be together ever never
not in a million years
no white picket fences
it's time to stand for myself for my dignity
the doormat no more
i'll get the respect i deserve
it's a new world order
don't cross my boundaries
it's at my conveience if i so choose
he's an adult i'm not responsible for him
not for his health welfare sanity happiness or pain
timmy comes first always i gotta remember that
move on no more pining away
no more dreams or stardust it's a waste of time
the dawning of a brand new day
tim is back and i'm here to stay

waiting

i've been waiting for an eternity
waiting for love to arrive
waiting for my lucky break
waiting to discover my passion
waiting to be noticed
waiting for a kind word
waiting for my knight
imagine my horror................
waiting over everything discovered
love happiness passion life
only to be waiting again
waiting for the betrayal to end

the monster within

how grotesque i must appear
do i look as bad as i feel
eyes bulging bloodshot teeth broken uneven
skin mottled with sores and bruises
hair ripped out by the roots
nails broken blood dripping from self inflicted wounds
crippled broken hunchback
scorned by all no pity in this world
rocks thrown at me as i pass
taunts screams freak monster pervert
leave here die you're not wanted
i crawl inside myself into my hole
hiding from a bitter cruel world
too bad i can't hide from myself
i'm my worst enemy
hating myself more than anyone
a monster reviled for being born
unable to fit in scared to try again
door slammed in my face too many times
so i travel by moonlight and darkness
the only comfort i know the shadows
in darkness i'll reside till the end of time

inside out

can you fight the enemy
when the enemy is you
betrayed by my soul
turned on by my heart
deserted by my senses
unable to do battle
prevented from any defense
tied my hands behind my back
slit my own throat
covered in blood waiting
will i live or die
does it matter to anyone
no one left to trust
my instincts have forsaken me
i think i'll make it
is that the ultimate lie
mayhaps won't know till i try