my cloak

sadness heavy in the air
sorrow my cloak
unhappiness my best friend
misery my travelling companion
loneliness following close behind
grief tagging along for the ride
hope lays dead by the road
despair the ocean i swim in
raging river formed of tears
reveling in my agony
bewitched by an angry sprite
shivering with fear
shrieking in pain
wake up shivering terrified
living my waking mighmare once again

mornin heartache

mornin heartache
can we talk
you've been livin here much to long
so why not get lost
i want my life back
such as it was
so pack up your stuff
then walk through the door
don't try comin back
cause you don't live here anymore!

dust

i no longer exist
there's no cohesion
i'm liquid
unable to support myself
pooling around you
living for a glance
an unoffered chance
slowly seeping into the ground
evaporating
less of me every day
i'll be gone dried up
will you notice
or just knock the dust from your feet

FU*K

FUCK FATE
FUCK LONELINESS
FUCK SORROW
FUCK THIS SAD WEEPING SHIT
FUCK YOUR FROZEN HEART
FUCK LONELY BITTER TEARS
FUCK OUTSIDE INFLUENCES
FUCK INDIFFERENCE
FUCK IRONY AND LIES
FUCK HEARTACHE
FUCK LOVE
FUCK MY BROKEN HEART
FUCK GRIEF AND MISERY
FUCK IT
FUCK OFF!

just friends

where oh where is that middle ground
the space between light and dak
where i can just be me and not fall apart
i open my mouth but nothing is right
why must we argue why must we fight
walking through landmines emotional bombs
crawling on eggshells living on crumbs
you can do no wrong i cant get it right
discovering this new world such a fright
new emotions old scars fresh wounds where will it end
my doubt and confusion at being just a friend

SAD LONELY FAGGOT

4 decades gone by
i'm still alone
never once loved
always on my own
to what do i owe
this lonely fate
am i that ugly
or just freakin fat
maybe i'm simply repulsive
or something like that
all my friends say
i'm really cute
are they just lying
or is that point moot
so sick of being all alone
what the fuck to do
i guess i'll get old
have lots and lots of pets
sad lonely faggot
can you imagine that

ME AGAIN

who am i
what do i seek
crawling through life
mild and meek
illusions of strength
humor hiding terror
who the hell is that coward in the mirror
to be me oh but how
for this i shall try
small steps faltering
inching forward
clawing my way up
nails bloody and broken
mistakes made lessons learned
doubts threaten to overwhelm
still i go on
spine of steel in this jellyfish
i won't break
despair and doubt won't win
one of these days i'll be me again

A GAMBLE

FUCK PISS SHIT
i'm tired of this
so why not just quit
stop whining and crying
moaning and lying
so lifes unfair
yes this is true
so wheres the surprise
especially for you
it never comes easy
there'll always be loss
lifes just a gamble
a coin that you toss
now get off your ass
and show em who's boss

absolutely absurd

solitary such a sad word
apparently my motto
how absolutely absurd
being alone isnt noble
its certainly no fun
walk sleep dream alone
where the fuck has everyone gone
what in me pushes them back
repelling people i've got the knack
whats wrong with me
what do i lack
where have y'all gone
please please come back

lonely again

now comes a question
what do you feel
pain sadness betrayal
can this be real
the answer and truth
for what it's worth
is you love alone
his heart is long gone
how can love be sad
miserable and pathetic
have i gone mad
i weep and i moan
pining away
wasting my tomorrows
for false yesterdays
so i gambled and lost
happiness comes at such a high cost
in the game we call life
you dont always win
so here i go..........lonely again

TO WALK THROUGH FIRE

to walk through fire
such a grand thing
burning coals a portal a seeker may find
answers to the questions that weigh on your mind
use care what you seek answers shall bind
clarity sought clarity got
what a horrible shock
all i thought real dreams and illusions
i got what i asked for oh what to feel
to late i figured out this raw deal
bring on the hurt pour on the pain this is for real

what a strange thing

what a strange thing
awoke with a smile
goodness knows it's been a long while
pain still there but now i can see
mayhaps there's hope even for me
alone still yes tis true
yet i'll be ok even though blue
a nice dream that lasted awhile
now through the tears comes forth this smile

loves never wrong

could there be hope
can i see light
something shining faintly
at the edge of my night
it flickers and sputters
refusing to die
banishing sorrow by and by
though i still hurt
and feel life grim
i'll carry on with this whim
loves never wrong
not good nor bad
its just something that sparks
then shines really brite
if i had chose wisely
would that make it right
so he won't love me
worlds never end
sorrow gives way
time to start over again

'evermore

was it a glamor a slight of the hand
a spell of love or simply fate
either way i've fallen
what once brought me joy
now brings pain anf tears
falling into depsair
dragged down by the weight of misery
what should i do
where can i go
trapped by my love
i'm unable to show
in love with sir michael
master of my lost soul
his indifference shrouds me
in grief and despair
what can you dowhen love isn't there
so i'll carry on as before
my broken heart beating alone 'evermore

doormats

doormats catch all the dirt and grime
to keep it outside
how much empathy i feel
as i shake the footprints from my spine
never speak up always do all i can
wear yourself to nothing
you'll still never have that man
love is blind and i'm a fool
wasting time on tearsanf grief
as i follow you to my doom

the hardest test

does no one understand me
i try to do my best
for good i take a stand
no one sees the man i want to be
just the boy i really am
pride bigotry hate emotions unneeded
but tied to me by fate
to shed who i was
to become who i am
a lifelong quest
how can anyone love me
do i really love myself
blame all lifes woes on the external
to look in the mirror the hardest test
is life to blame for my poor choices
my lack of feeling or stupidity
i am who i am good or bad
just one totally fucked up man

faggott

faggott queer sissy
the names of my childhood
now worn with pride
survival my quest
emotions shut down
its how i survived
tortured by assholes
no tearsshed by me
though dying inside
strength my solution
i took it all in stride
far from my home
i must reside
small town hatred
more than i could abide
family and friends lost along the way
such is the price of pride

you're both gone

mother father where are you
i'm so lost and alone
don't you love me
don't you miss me
i'm still your child
though full grown
years pass decades gone
just like yesterday
still alone
i'm 8 years old
you're both gone

abandoned

a child of bliss
happy and undisturbed by life
robbed of everything by death
surviving alone and forsaken
abandoned by the fates
left alone and adrift
body living soul dead
my youth gone and dried up
wasted life wasted years
then a smile a laugh
armor cracking heart melting
love blossoms once again
oh cruel fate fickle wind
raw and open to everything
dam washed away emotions out of control
it was all for nothing
back turned harsh words
realization too late
he wanted my life not me
heart stolen and trampled
love thrown away
left with ruin and destruction
drowning in a pit of despair

hell

tear ducts dry and sore
ribs aching with sobs
throat closed with pain
unable to draw a breath
this is hell
mind churning with what ifs
heart longing
arms ache with loss
love wasted feeling forsaken
wallowing in self pity
teeth knashing sobs of pain
tearing at my flesh
wanting my body to ache
as much as my soul
will the agony never end
i think the tearsare gone
then like a tidal wave
they wash over me again
clinging to sanity by a thread
how can i hold on
when hope is dead

fairytales

happiness a myth
love a lie
pain rips my heart
loneliness tears my soul
fairytales always end
with death or destruction
how else would they go

ILLUSION/REALITY

loneliness deafening
heartache overpowering
desperation everywhere
love an illusion
pain is reality
drowning in bitter tears
hope crashing broken
heart and soul dying
the empty shell lives
unable to break the cycle
trapped all these years

archer

i should've known
i could've ran
danger far from my mind
archer how fitting
his arrow pierced my heart
i'm captured
how ironic he hunts for sport
hearts like trophies on the wall
mine and countless others
does he delight in the kill
or is it the torture of the hunt
how do i escape
i built my own cage
trapped by a foolish heart
painting the bullseye on myself
now pity and indifference mock me
a life lesson he tells me
what lesson in suffering and torment
better a quick kill
no release for me
 trapped in misery still

alone and confused

how do you focus on the positive
when blinded and overwhelmed by negativity
34 and always alone
no one ever loved me
or called mt their own
friends comfort me and cherish my soul
but that doesn't warm me
through long bitter nights
shivering and alone
cowering with fright
foresaken by love taunted by hindsight
betrayed by false hope and delusions
instincts driven mad by guilt and confusion
alone in the darkness longing
needing to be held and loved
unable to connect to anyone
frustration and anger fill me with bile
cursing fate and the gods one and the same
tossing and turning alone in the night
still alone and confused at the dawning of light

innocent years

a babys smile
dogs wagging tails
innocent beautiful
proof of the divine
blissful once
full of hope and happiness
then worlds ripped assunder
tranquility destroyed
dropped into desolation and despair
unable to escape
years roll by
grinding hope into dust
unable to love
unable to trust
how to regain innocence lost
was it real
or only a dream
could i have been happy and whole
memories filtered through
blood stained tears
i wail and lament
those innocent years

falling into oblivion

love passion
myth fantasy
desire loneliness
one and the same
darkness ahead
life's a lonely road
barren and wasted
no hope no love
how it must feel
to laugh and love
to hold someone dear
never for me
only emptiness and sorrow
this journey called life
my trail of tears
falling into oblivion
crawling exhausted
no escape
no white knight
no hope of rescue
is there no relief
no respite from the pain
new day dawns
hopeless again

alone again

ever alone chances gone
life's little joke
and i'm the brunt
given a capacity to love
then cursed to be alone
karma's a bitch
that much i know
how evil was i
what did i do
for now my suffering is endless
heartbreak at every turn
will i never learn
an experiment in terror
a life lived in loneliness
suffocating from the pain
happiness out of reach
the stench of decay overwhems my senses
alone again..............

let the horror begin

for one brief moment happiness

looking up into the sun

my heart filled with joy

then i fell over the cliffs

lying shattered on the rocks below

now i am broken and battered

bones protruding skin bleeding

pain overwhelms me

like the tide coming in

suffering supreme

such a tragic ending

now i see the danger

love's light will blind you

then reality will find you

LET THE HORROR BEGIN...............

michael

he was a beauty
smile like sunshine
laughter sweet rain
hair spun silk
skin alabaster
lips ripe and full
a body to die for
michael his name
i thought he could love me
delusions of granduer
hurt just the same
friendship not passion
that was his game
so i must settle
for what he has offered
but if my heart breaks
can it be blamed
love life irony
one and the same

mama

april first a day of mirth and fun
but NOT for this poor orphaned son
see i lost my mama when i was a lad
a poor lonely boy bitter and sad
alone and bereft what could i do
years of bitter tears longing for you
i do fine all thru the year except this one day
 see today is her birthday what more can i say
so now i try to focus on the joy
the laughter and bliss of this mama's boy
laying on a blanket with stars over my head
you howling with laughter at the things that i said
that last summer when you learned to swim
conquering a terrible fear of water just for your tim
you were the perfect mama who could ask for more
you opened my mind and let me explore
i owe you so much more than i could ever repay
your love made me the man i am today
so here's to you mama on a very special day
i love you still there's nothin more to say