introspection

so 2016 has been a bloody horrible year with a few high spots...........

i'm finally at 185 whuch is my high school weight. 1st time ive been in onederland since 1986.

u have cheek and collarbones...............who knew? lol

I changed jobs in sept and that was and is terrifying in many ways. I had been a cashier ever since I graduated and a damn good one. not to sound conceited but I'm exceptional. it comes totally natural to me and I love it. bein a people person helps! lol sadly there's no money in it and with my living arrangement and cushy cheap/easy/comfortable living arrangement is going to end around july since my landlady after 10 years has decided to sell and travel. OOPS! for me. I simply couldn't afford to live on my own on what I was making so I went to amazon for a BIG pay raise. it's a warehouse environment and something ive never done before. i'm ok at it but not brilliant and that has been an issue and continues to bother me. I like to excel but alas I cant be better than my best. so my pride is a bit bruised. oh I'm meeting my standards but totally middle of the pack, UGH! ive always been the teachers/bosses pet damn it! lolol its all in my head but it truly irks me.

add to that my eye has been kicking my ass and ive missed work and been sick to my tummy for a month. (I'm sure all my stress isn't helping with that)

I'm also feelin pretty much alone, I'm not one to ask for help or someone to talk to *thank God for Doreen and the phone* but face to face time with humans is almost nil. that's left me feelin pretty damn mortal, when I go no one will even blink. all this stuff I crave and lust after will go to the dump. I don't even have anyone who enjoys what I do or would want my hard earned collections.

there will be no kids or a partner that's just not in the cards this go around. it never bothered me before, I guess getting older (48) and sickly after bein healthy as a horse all these years hit me hard.

diabetes sucks though I'm doin fine controlling it with diet. I refuse to take meds unless it becomes necessary. unfortunately what I had passed off as my feet hurting because of standing in uncomfortable shoes the last couple of years was probably the sugar and now I have an almost constant "tingling" in my feet (like when they fall asleep and you start to walk and wake em up) that is nerve damage and irreparable.

I have had to take far too much time off and the economy is slow so my raise has just kept me current I have yet to save a dime for my move and I need thousands and a plan which I don't have (I have an inkling) so desperation takes hold and that causes stress which causes................a viscous damn circle that's hard to get out of.

the world is gone nuts too and it drives me bonkers. opinionated I AM!

I support the military and police 100% so all the black lives matters nonsense drives me batshit. facts are 3 times as many white people are shot by police but that isn't good divisive press so no one hears about those. they'll protest a knife wielding felon getting shot but the NDAP pipeline where praying Native Americans are getting maced and shot with rubber bullets for protecting their ONLY water supply has barely gotten any national press.

trump and pence are going to do their best to drive my people (the gays) back into the closet and overturn every law protecting us and no one cares. (pence has a history and advocated conversion therapy.........really electroshock kids)  and these morons who think trump cares about their poor asses are delusional. he has a history as a businessman of screwing over people and is already advocating tax breaks for the rich and raises for others.

I really thought going in that 2016 was gonna be a banner year as I drew the Tower card for the new year. I just misinterpreted it, I thought it was gonna be a quick reboot and on to better things but it was everything burned to the ground and now we have to rebuild but alas I have a sinking feeling that the next four years will put America in great peril and divide us even more.

I keep trying to look for that silver lining but it becomes more and more difficult to ignore the downward spiral we as a society seem to be in. that apathy will be the ruin of us as only half of americans even votes so we let this happen.

wow didn't know I was gonna write a novella when I started this but I unleashed the torrent and I guess I might as well get it out examine it and try to make some sense of this chaos.

on a personal level I need to start a food diary again, and stick to a DAILY vitamin regime. I gave 2 of those weekly pill things set up but seem to skip 4 or 5 times a week. u also need to meditate and do yoga daily to keep me centered. the problem is I work a 10 to 12 hour shift, have a 40 minute commute boths ways plus 40 minute get ready time that's 14 hours and with bein sickly I sleep 9 hours just to feel fatigued anyway. I end up getting crap to eat and scarfing it down in the car on the way home . which I'm sure isn't helping anything.

this is where I feel "small and petty" because I have it so much better than so many who am I to complain. I have a roof over my head, insurance, a car, and can afford food. many people have nothing so ive been sucking it up buttercup style for so long that I think one of them bootstraps has finally snapped from bein pulled on too hard for too long.

some days I just wanna get in my car and drive away but don't know where to or what for cause the problems just follow along with you anyway. I can/shall/will/MUST figure this all out and ASAP because I need a plan and some RIGID boundaries. I trust the Universe but those old sayings hold true.........................God helps those who help themselves and Trust in Allah but tie up your camel.

whew I feel a lot lighter getting all that out. mayhaps in my spare time I should reboot this sadly neglected blog of mine too~