NOT REALLY I SIMPLY LOVE ANASTACIA'S VIDEO! lolol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnOy6HEf7HU
as for me I had a great mothers day and hopefully got some insights (hard won not wanted) into my childhood and patterns................
see I WOPRSHIP my mama's memory she was one hell of a woman , always at my pta stuff, the cool mom baked cakes for school functions, showed off my silly drawings as if they were Rembrandts. she stood up for me fiercely and allowed me to be me, I mean seriously what mom buys her 8 year old son the Barbie dream house and encourages him to be whatever he wants. she even conquered her worst fear for me, and that's something only real love could bring about. see she almost drowned as a child so she was terrified of the water but I LOVE swimming so that last summer she forced herself to learn to swim. I can remember her shuddering with fear when she's get in the water but she did it!
I'm tempered like my mama, hell I even look like her. we had a bond not many have and I guess therein lies part of the problem, we were so close we shut everyone else out, so here goes a look at an inconvienent truth.
I have one sister and honestly we've never been close , but I'm trying to fix that and so is she.
it's not even our fault either, see we're like 18 months apart but Audra was very sick when she was born. she didn't have an esophageous (spell-check) so they had to cut open her stomach and take out small intestines and make one. she had to eat out of a tube for years and wasn't really home untilshe was almost 3. I resented my mama being away from me HORRIBLY! she was MINE and I don't like to share!
i'll give y'all a cliff note version of events. my daddy had one sister, Shirley, his parents were incapable of emotional support (his dad was an abused alcoholic and his mom was raised by an alcoholic father cause her mom died when she was a baby) or even any normal hugs, kisses, so both my dad and aunt were closed off from human contact. my mama's family is VERY touchy/huggy/feely so I'm not even sure how my parents got together but it wasn't enough for my mama she needed more. well there was a swimming pool in the next county (allens lake aka spring valley beach if you're in bama) and they had summer family passes so my mama took me and my sister every weekend and my aunt's husband took their 3 kids so eventually (not sure when exactly) my mama and my uncle had an affair (no blood relation) divorced their prospective spouses and got married making my 1st cousins my step brothers and sister............it was a BIG scandal in our tint little town but I really never noticed she died shortly after that leaving me devastated and alone. I'd never been close to my daddy cause he was never there and I hated his new wife and her 2 daughters. it didn't help that she didn't like boys and I was treated like a "step-child" while my sister was the "REAL" child. and she forced me to go to church where as a budding gay I was told I was evil and going to hell. it certainly didn't help my self esteem or confidence and I was miserable and I'm sure a bitter pill to all around me. I moved pretty quickly in with my grandparents (yep the emotionally barren dads parents!) which was in its-self not ideal.at 16 I moved out got emancipated, finshed high school and shut out the world. I really only had 2 friends at all (tressie and janet I LOVE ya'll more than you could ever know!) that kept me from going insane! and after high school I bummed around bama for a couple of years before moving to fl and starting to heal. now this whole time I've been estranged from my sister because in addition to being emancipated I sued my step-monster for my share of daddys insurance (she had lied and told everyone it didn't pay out) I didn't talk to my sister for years , then when we did it was a horrid betrayal/nightmare on both our parts which I shall NEVER discuss on here needless to say I handled it rather badly and I was like 24 and a total jerk. I cut all of our pictures apart and mailed her her half with a note saying the only reason I didn't destroy these is because MY mama took them............NOT my finest hour and a BIG regret.
anywho when my grandma passed we began to speak on rare occasions and last year I made the decision to keep in regular contact and to try and build a new relationship based on who we are now and separate from all the baggage and distrust in the past. I wll admit when she tried to tell me our childhood from her point of view I got ANGRY, really really ANGRY! see by her recollection she was abused, not loved, neglected, and not wanted. it felt like an attack on my most cherished memories and my mama (who is on a GIANT pillar in my mind) but as I've had time to ponder and think back I can see some of what she said ringing true, much as I'm loathe to admit it. how can 2 children be raised together and have totally opposite experiences? for whatever reason we did, that's all I know. I do believe her and im talking to her and letting her share with me and trying to integrate the 2 things into something cohesive..............and if anything it's making me feel even more loved by my mama.
I guess she shoplifted stuff (lipstick, jewelry) and wrote a ton of bad checks, even put stolen stuff in my sisters pockets.............I had no clue. I never saw a thing, she never involved me but I do remember one single time we got stopped outside howard bros dept store because she had put a lipstick in her pocket because her hands were full handling me and my sister...........and I remember my sister always bein in trouble of course I also remember her breaking every toy I ever got out of spite (I guess she resented me as much as I resented her for different reasons) not listening and in general being horrid. I've verified as much of this as I can thru 3rd parties and it's been a real eye opener. no one ever said anything because they knew I wouldn't believe them................
so I'm left with this my mama was a troubled soul who had her own issues but she loved me enough to not let any darkness into my world and to keep me innocent, pure, and wrapped in my blissful little world like the boy in the bubble. how can I possibly judge her when she loved me that much, so my sisters truth is her truth and it's ugly and sad and I mourn her having to live it but I also have my truth and it's as real as it gets. it's a wonderful thing I'm a Gemini because I "get" duality, it's not delusion or pretend it's simply what it was. so now I can be a better brother and a more forgiving person and I don't have to take off my rose colored glasses where my mama is concerned she was the best mama I could have ever hoped for and that she loved me enough to not want me involved in her issues speaks volumes for our relationship.
this is a real breakthrough for me as all of my food issues stem from losing my mama, food was the only thing I could ever count on to numb the pain and it never let me down even as it poisoned me and turned me into a fat slug who could barely tie my own shoes. I'm gonna do what I have suggested to so many, print this letter up and burn it, I don't need any angst there's nothing to forgive I give it to spirit and the universe I don't need anything holding me down or back any more and this old pain and loneliness serves no useful purpose in my life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnOy6HEf7HU
as for me I had a great mothers day and hopefully got some insights (hard won not wanted) into my childhood and patterns................
see I WOPRSHIP my mama's memory she was one hell of a woman , always at my pta stuff, the cool mom baked cakes for school functions, showed off my silly drawings as if they were Rembrandts. she stood up for me fiercely and allowed me to be me, I mean seriously what mom buys her 8 year old son the Barbie dream house and encourages him to be whatever he wants. she even conquered her worst fear for me, and that's something only real love could bring about. see she almost drowned as a child so she was terrified of the water but I LOVE swimming so that last summer she forced herself to learn to swim. I can remember her shuddering with fear when she's get in the water but she did it!
I'm tempered like my mama, hell I even look like her. we had a bond not many have and I guess therein lies part of the problem, we were so close we shut everyone else out, so here goes a look at an inconvienent truth.
I have one sister and honestly we've never been close , but I'm trying to fix that and so is she.
it's not even our fault either, see we're like 18 months apart but Audra was very sick when she was born. she didn't have an esophageous (spell-check) so they had to cut open her stomach and take out small intestines and make one. she had to eat out of a tube for years and wasn't really home untilshe was almost 3. I resented my mama being away from me HORRIBLY! she was MINE and I don't like to share!
i'll give y'all a cliff note version of events. my daddy had one sister, Shirley, his parents were incapable of emotional support (his dad was an abused alcoholic and his mom was raised by an alcoholic father cause her mom died when she was a baby) or even any normal hugs, kisses, so both my dad and aunt were closed off from human contact. my mama's family is VERY touchy/huggy/feely so I'm not even sure how my parents got together but it wasn't enough for my mama she needed more. well there was a swimming pool in the next county (allens lake aka spring valley beach if you're in bama) and they had summer family passes so my mama took me and my sister every weekend and my aunt's husband took their 3 kids so eventually (not sure when exactly) my mama and my uncle had an affair (no blood relation) divorced their prospective spouses and got married making my 1st cousins my step brothers and sister............it was a BIG scandal in our tint little town but I really never noticed she died shortly after that leaving me devastated and alone. I'd never been close to my daddy cause he was never there and I hated his new wife and her 2 daughters. it didn't help that she didn't like boys and I was treated like a "step-child" while my sister was the "REAL" child. and she forced me to go to church where as a budding gay I was told I was evil and going to hell. it certainly didn't help my self esteem or confidence and I was miserable and I'm sure a bitter pill to all around me. I moved pretty quickly in with my grandparents (yep the emotionally barren dads parents!) which was in its-self not ideal.at 16 I moved out got emancipated, finshed high school and shut out the world. I really only had 2 friends at all (tressie and janet I LOVE ya'll more than you could ever know!) that kept me from going insane! and after high school I bummed around bama for a couple of years before moving to fl and starting to heal. now this whole time I've been estranged from my sister because in addition to being emancipated I sued my step-monster for my share of daddys insurance (she had lied and told everyone it didn't pay out) I didn't talk to my sister for years , then when we did it was a horrid betrayal/nightmare on both our parts which I shall NEVER discuss on here needless to say I handled it rather badly and I was like 24 and a total jerk. I cut all of our pictures apart and mailed her her half with a note saying the only reason I didn't destroy these is because MY mama took them............NOT my finest hour and a BIG regret.
anywho when my grandma passed we began to speak on rare occasions and last year I made the decision to keep in regular contact and to try and build a new relationship based on who we are now and separate from all the baggage and distrust in the past. I wll admit when she tried to tell me our childhood from her point of view I got ANGRY, really really ANGRY! see by her recollection she was abused, not loved, neglected, and not wanted. it felt like an attack on my most cherished memories and my mama (who is on a GIANT pillar in my mind) but as I've had time to ponder and think back I can see some of what she said ringing true, much as I'm loathe to admit it. how can 2 children be raised together and have totally opposite experiences? for whatever reason we did, that's all I know. I do believe her and im talking to her and letting her share with me and trying to integrate the 2 things into something cohesive..............and if anything it's making me feel even more loved by my mama.
I guess she shoplifted stuff (lipstick, jewelry) and wrote a ton of bad checks, even put stolen stuff in my sisters pockets.............I had no clue. I never saw a thing, she never involved me but I do remember one single time we got stopped outside howard bros dept store because she had put a lipstick in her pocket because her hands were full handling me and my sister...........and I remember my sister always bein in trouble of course I also remember her breaking every toy I ever got out of spite (I guess she resented me as much as I resented her for different reasons) not listening and in general being horrid. I've verified as much of this as I can thru 3rd parties and it's been a real eye opener. no one ever said anything because they knew I wouldn't believe them................
so I'm left with this my mama was a troubled soul who had her own issues but she loved me enough to not let any darkness into my world and to keep me innocent, pure, and wrapped in my blissful little world like the boy in the bubble. how can I possibly judge her when she loved me that much, so my sisters truth is her truth and it's ugly and sad and I mourn her having to live it but I also have my truth and it's as real as it gets. it's a wonderful thing I'm a Gemini because I "get" duality, it's not delusion or pretend it's simply what it was. so now I can be a better brother and a more forgiving person and I don't have to take off my rose colored glasses where my mama is concerned she was the best mama I could have ever hoped for and that she loved me enough to not want me involved in her issues speaks volumes for our relationship.
this is a real breakthrough for me as all of my food issues stem from losing my mama, food was the only thing I could ever count on to numb the pain and it never let me down even as it poisoned me and turned me into a fat slug who could barely tie my own shoes. I'm gonna do what I have suggested to so many, print this letter up and burn it, I don't need any angst there's nothing to forgive I give it to spirit and the universe I don't need anything holding me down or back any more and this old pain and loneliness serves no useful purpose in my life.
~~hugs to you~~~
ReplyDeleteSometimes life makes no sense....but you are in good place...able to see the truth but also able to totally still love your mamma, even with her quirks and idiosyncrasies!
{{HUGS}}
ReplyDelete